Track 1 | Track 2 | Track 3 | Track 4 | Track 5
Track One - “99 • 95”
By the window, sunlight seeped through the trees.
“His” blonde hair glinted, adorned by the light shining into the university classroom.
His calm eyes were green.
Just like fresh foliage.
The professor’s voice resonated within the classroom.
He listened attentively.
His long eyelashes cast fluttering shadows on his cheeks from time to time.
I wonder what he was thinking.
What were you thinking?
Was your heart connected to your fingers?
I watched that seemingly God-like man, Fredrick, from the corner of the classroom.
The university courtyard was green.
Lush trees cast shadows that speckled across the grass.
Every student that passed by was older than me.
I got a long, lengthy message from my mother.
It said that we should stick together. Just like we always have, ever since I started attending university for music in Hungary when I turned eleven.
But, my mother was in Japan then.
She wouldn’t return for a while.
After skipping grades and coming to the university, I got used to living alone.
I also stopped getting lost in the streets.
The professor that brought me here told me it was better that my mother wasn’t around. That I should be attending classes alone.
How should I reply to my mother?
After thinking about it, I decided to respond later since I didn’t know
A man lounged across a long bench, and his head perked up when I walked by.
He was one of the professor’s students.
Someone that never attended any classes.
I didn’t think he was like Fredrick, since he had brown hair and blue eyes.
“Yo, Tadzio[1]. Why don’t you sit here for a bit and chat?”
His name was Solomon. I had heard that before.
Solomon called me Tadzio.
When I told him my name is Kuguri, he chuckled and said, “A pretty and mysterious boy like you oughta be called Tadzio”.
When I didn’t respond, he asked, “Don’t you know ‘Death in Venice’?[2] Do you really just learn music? So that’s why it sounds so lifeless.”
I looked away from him and walked into the classroom, the scent of alcohol still lingering.
I was confused at first, but I didn’t bother with him any longer.
For practice, I prepared Liszt’s transcendental, “No. 1 《Preludio》”.
I really liked Liszt’s music.
It’s simple and it suits me.
Once I finished playing, the professor asked, “Are you satisfied with your rendition of the piece? What do you think?”
I gave it some thought.
…I wondered how my mother would answer. I normally thought of that since my mother was usually the one to interpret music.
The professor narrowed his eyes a bit and gave me a small shake of his head.
“Just your thoughts, Kuguri. I want to hear your take on it.”
Words caught in my throat, unable to come out.
While I was struck silent, the professor’s gaze softened.
“…Have you made any friends yet?”
I responded with “Nein”. Since I hadn’t.
How are friends even made?
“You need to focus on your personal growth before focusing on your piano ability. Keep this weekend free of plans, and try to start practicing conversations with people, Kuguri.”
Obviously, I agreed.
Because that’s what I was supposed to do.
I was invited to the professor’s home for the weekend. It was near the university.
There were about 20 people at the gathering, and there was plenty of food spread on the table.
Everyone was drinking since they were all adults, but not me.
The law here says that even people my age are permitted to drink, but I’d never had any.
“Aren’t you the genius that skipped grades and got into the school when you turned eleven?”
“How old are you now? You’re still a kid, right?”
“Seventeen.”
“You’ve gotta be kidding. It’s hard to tell how old Asian people are.”
My older classmates surrounded me and said some things.
I didn’t really know how to reply to any of them.
But something gave me the feeling none of them expected me to reply.
There was shouting, giggling, and the sound of glass breaking from the other side of the room.
A man was sprawled out on the stairs somewhere in the back, and I noticed broken glass and spilled booze at his feet.
It was Solomon, the guy who called me Tadzio.
“A playboy, huh…”
An older student tutted.
“He woulda been kicked out ages ago if he wasn’t the professor’s lapdog…”
Suddenly, I looked out the window, and there Fredrick was.
He stood there alone, gazing out over the garden. His blonde hair shone gently in the sunlight. Behind his long eyelashes were his green eyes, glittering like diamonds.
“Kuguri.”
The professor suddenly showed up and led me away.
Towards the window—to him.
My heart pounded.
Fredrick turned…and looked at me.
“This is Fredrick, a student of mine with the highest potential. Along with you, of course,” the professor introduced.
He said it was nice to meet me.
I reciprocated.
But in all honesty, I already knew him.
One-sidedly. Selfishly.
I knew both him and his piano.
Track Two - “49 《a capriccio》”
Content Warning: An instance of harassment or uncomfortable/unsolicited advances. While I was in Hungary, I heard him play the piano at a competition.
“Polonaise No. 5 Op. 44 in F-sharp minor.” Starting with an aggressive style, it transitions into simple and elegant melodies, only to return again to strong and intense motifs. It’s a common characteristic of Chopin’s pieces…
Fredrick’s music was like a wave of sound.
A tidal wave.
Every note was like a snowflake, fragile pearls that seemed to melt away at the simplest touch.
All of them were stunningly symmetrical, but not one of them was the same.
I was mesmerized by the waves of his music, becoming one with the crystals within it.
It surprised me.
How the piano was able to sound like that.
With performances that captivate others not with skill, but instead with the world of sound they create.
I always thought that the better I played, the better it would sound, so it surprised me.
For the second time in my life,
I thought the piano sounded beautiful.
That’s why I accepted the professor’s invitation and went to an unfamiliar university, to hear Fredrick’s music again.
On the day of practice in-person.
My playing resonated within the practice room.
Liszt’s transcendental etude “No. 2.”
Forgetting the professor’s existence and his suggestions, I became completely immersed in the keys before me.
A flurry of staccato notes danced across the sheet music.
I just played, surrendering my entire body to the piano.
—More speed! More accuracy!
—Imagine even more!
Flawless finger movements, muscles in motion. As my imagination grew more precise, so did my fingers.
Moving my fingers exactly how I imagined them to was one of my talents, according to my mother.
But the professor frowned.
“Having impeccable accuracy isn’t the most important requirement to play the piano, Kuguri…”
Even though I heard his words, I continued to play the score.
I didn’t know any other way to play.
While I was eating in the cafeteria, I got a call from my mother.
She insisted that I withdraw from the Chopin Competition held the following year.
“—It would be shameful if you competed and didn’t win. Practice carefully and aim for victory.”
The competition was only held once every five years, and there’s an age restriction, so I planned to compete the next year.
For a pianist, the Chopin Competition wasn’t something that could be done many times in a lifetime.
But, if my mother said so then I had to.
I told her that I understood before hanging up.
I looked down at my partly finished plate and realized I lost my appetite.
Resting a cheek on my hand, I noticed Fredrick sitting at the back of the cafeteria.
He was on the phone with someone. His gaze softened, and he smiled gently.
He… smiled?
That surprised me a little.
It was the first time I’d seen him with an expression like that.
I’d always assumed that he was alone like me, but I supposed he could have friends too.
Fredrick, what were you thinking about? When you smiled?
While I stared idly, I felt a tap on my shoulder behind me.
Someone firmly leaned their weight against my back.
The warmth of their body made me flinch against my will.
“Woah, not a single piercing in sight. Aren’t you a diligent one, Tadzio?”
When I turned, Solomon’s face was close enough for me to feel his breath.
He grinned.
“Your playing sounds dull, without a single flaw.”
Solomon brushed my earlobe. “You’ve got such pristine ears. What would happen if I pierced them? Who do you think would be the one to make the first mark on your body?” he whispered.
Feeling uncomfortable, I stood up.
Solomon sat in the chair where I had just sat and said, “If you ever want an ear piercing, come find me.”
“I’ll pierce them for you, pretty boy.”
I hurried out of the cafeteria, ignoring Solomon’s laughter.
Track Three - “1”
One winter night.
I performed for musicians from the university at a party held by the professor.
Since I was told I could play any piece, I decided on Liszt’s transcendental etude, “No. 3, Sposalizio”.
The composition had a tone that was somewhat tender and gentle, so it blended nicely with the ambiance of the venue.
Among the audience surrounding the piano, within the fancily dressed crowd, was Fredrick.
Before I knew it, our eyes met.
Those green eyes were, without a doubt, looking at me.
And I looked back.
For a quick moment, it was like we were one.
Outside the window, it was snowing.
I wished the steadily piling snow would conceal just me and Fredrick.
I wanted to hide away from the world, and play the piano.
“Paysage” was originally the title of the third piece.
Within the score, Liszt left behind pastoral notes and annotations.
Imagine something like a rural landscape.
What colors are there? Is there green, like Fredrick’s eyes?
I wanted him to listen, so I played the piano with as much tenderness and sincerity as he did…
Though I couldn’t quite grasp what those feelings were… I played.
Like Fredrick…
Just like Fredrick…
Sounding like Fredrick…
At the end, cheers and applause quickly broke out.
Something bubbled up in my heart.
It was warm like lava, harboring magma within it.
When I stood up and left, the professor handed me a champagne glass.
“It really was the right decision to bring you here. Good changes are happening, Kuguri. It seems like you’ve gotten out of your mother’s influence.”
Unable to take a sip from the drink I’d received, I stayed silent until I heard a commotion somewhere.
When I looked, I saw Solomon—drunk and stumbling—had taken a seat at the piano bench I had just left.
The professor headed towards him with a sigh.
Solomon ignored the confused looks around him, began to play.
A distinct, bell sounding melody.
“La Campanella”, a piece everyone had gotten bored of hearing…
One of Liszt’s signature pieces.
But it wasn’t the famous final draft. It was a different version, one that people never play.
—It still heavily adopted Paganini’s violin style, and was a very difficult and harsh piece.
In truth, it’s not a piece that’s easily played.
Yet Solomon was masterfully playing it, and looked like he was having fun. He swayed his body, like he was dancing.
Especially during the more difficult parts, he cackled loudly.
“The more drunk he gets, the more his fingers fly.”
I was surprised when I heard someone speak from beside me.
When I turned, it was Fredrick.
He smiled a little.
“Your tempo rubato[3] was wonderful, Kuguri.”
He said my name.
And praised my piano playing.
It caught me so off guard I almost fainted.
He held out a hand, and I shook it.
I was so nervous, I couldn’t even sense his touch.
His fingers.
The ones that could play such beautiful melodies, were still touching me.
—I was just copying you, Fredrick.
Is what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t form the words.
“…Speaking of Liszt, you always bring his transcendental etudes. That’s what I heard from the professor. I also heard you were going to compete in tomorrow’s competition in Europe…”
“Yeah.”
“Oh really,” Fredrick had said. “I’m in it too.”
I knew that.
“What pieces are you planning to play?”
Tomorrow’s competition was pretty flexible, and would be held in a country far from here.
It’s not the most prestigious thing, but since it was recently created it quickly attracted attention. So, a lot of young pianists join the competition to warm up and gain experience.
“Transcendental Etudes.”
“The third version?”
“Yeah.” I answered.
He definitely asked about the version because of Solomon’s unusual music choice.
No musician would ever try to bring any version other than the third of that piece to a competition.
“I see. I’m not really the biggest fan of pieces that focus on technique.”
I knew that too.
His piano playing created scenery, images, and breathtaking things that spoke to the heart.
Not technique.
“But if it’s you that’s playing Liszt, I want to hear the fourth piece. Mazeppa. I really like the part in the middle.” Frederick said, turning towards me.
“If it’s you, then you might even be able to master the second version, which people say is impossible for anyone to play but Liszt, right? Just like how you played it earlier, with emotion. Someday, I’d like to hear it.”
He started to walk as he spoke.
I wondered if it would be alright to follow him.
I thought it had to be, so I walked half a step behind him.
While stepping outside onto the hotel balcony, snow fell onto his long eyelashes. Snowflakes fluttered down into the glass in my hand and melted.
The snow blocked out all other noise, creating a serene atmosphere.
It was like the two of us… were hiding in the snow.
“Haha, it’s chilly.”
Fredrick’s subtle smile was dazzling.
The streetlights shone brightly against the white snow and reflected onto Fredrick.
Um, Fredrick.
At the competition tomorrow, I’m going to play Mazeppa.
Will you listen?
…If you want, I’ll practice the second version too.
Once I’m able to play it, will you listen…?
Is what I wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come out.
I could listen to Fredrick’s music at the competition tomorrow.
Just thinking about it made my heart swell.
I wanted to hear it already. That sound.
The sound that filled every fiber of my being. Fredrick’s music.
“What time is your flight tomorrow?”
“…It’s at seven.”
“Really? Mine is at six.”
I was supposed to have taken the flight at six.
I secretly felt a bit disappointed.
Stepping across the snow piled on the balcony, Fredrick walked closer to me.
He pulled out his phone and said, “Let’s exchange contact info.”
“I’ll be waiting for you to get to the airport.”
He gestured for us to reenter the venue together. I forgot that I’d been standing in the cold snow.
“If we stay then we’ll catch a cold, and then we’ll both miss the competition.” Fredrick said with a smile after we finished swapping information.
When we returned to the venue, Fredrick brushed the snow off my shoulders and hair.
His long, beautiful fingers caught my eye.
“Tomorrow. Call me. I’ll be waiting at the airport.”
He smiled.
I think I smiled back.
Tomorrow, we’ll definitely get closer.
That’s what I thought.
We waved to each other, then parted ways.
I watched his back fade into the distance for a while.
That was the last time I saw him.
Track 4 - “0 《Mazeppa》"
Content Warning: Light body horror; hospitalization; dismemberment In the dark, there was a piano.
I was seated at it. Above me, a brilliant light cast down, illuminating me and the piano like a spotlight.
Absolute silence. Nothing else was present.
Just me and the piano.
I reached for the array of keys.
It was like a cruel, ruthless maiden in black and white.
Never easily swayed, no matter how many feelings were poured out to her, she might still turn away.
Yet when she’d turn, the hem of her elegant dress would flutter, revealing everything beneath it.
I played the first note.
With that, I began Mazeppa.
The introduction was full of heavy chords that invoked a looming feeling something was about to happen.
The melody is played from a three part staff[4].
The beginning of the piece simulated the wild galloping of horses from the hero Mazeppa’s famous poem[5].
The sound raged like a storm, becoming waves that collided over and over.
I became lost within the waves of sound and imagined my body and hand movements.
Any restrictions on my body dissipated, my muscles moved fluidly, and strong, steady sounds flowed from the piano.
Yeah… this sound.
The sound of raging currents.
Specifically, the sound of wild, galloping horses. That’s what I wanted to express―
At the beginning of the second movement, the piece morphed into something more like a gentle slumber.
…Your tempo rubato was wonderful, Kuguri.
Those dreamlike words―
The memory of Fredrick’s smile comforted me.
――This is proof of my existence.
I heard my mother’s old voice, just barely audible, at that moment.
――The more flawless your piano playing is, the more my existence can be solidified too.
Was that love?
With that doubt, my mother’s voice grew distant.
Within Fredrick’s green eyes, I saw a glimpse of youth.
Glittering blonde hair, a beaming smile, and a child who played with sound as if it were magic.
In the evening light, he told me…
――That was fun, Kuguri!
We had promised to play “Liebestraum” together next time…
Gorgeous melodies pour out from my fingertips.
Things as beautiful as those were spilling out from within me.
Am I as beautiful as these sounds?
It’s fun.
Playing the piano is fun―
Then the music became more intense again.
It transformed into a heroic, courageous, and violent sound.
One that parallelled the valiant battles of the once rising hero, Mazeppa.
A 6/8 time animato, allegro deciso in 2/4 time. Più moderato, D major, vivace[6].
I lifted my fingers up high.
It was like I was dreaming, I became one with the hero Mazzeppa and bravely held my sword.
I struck the keys with my entire being.
My muscles creased and flexed.
The piano creaked, my sweat flew.
――I will rise again!
……Il tombe enfin… et se relève Roi![7]
I opened my eyes.
The final notes faded, and the stage was left in absolute silence.
There wasn’t any applause, and the spotlight that was shining onto the piano had disappeared.
I looked up at the sky, gasping for breath.
Beyond the endless abyss of darkness came a sharp crackling sound.
A large crack ran across the sky, and light poured through it.
I watched as the sky broke.
Into pieces.
Violently.
Then, the sky fell.
My body started trembling.
There was some sort of thudding sound.
My arms had fallen off and were rolling across the floor.
…When I woke up, I was in a hospital room.
In the white room, I heard the sound of my heart beating.
I was alive.
――I have to go to the competition.
I had to go to the airport, and call Fredrick…
As I thought about it, I realized it was all over.
That chance wouldn’t come back anymore.
My arms were gone.
I could still feel them, but they’d completely disappeared from my sight.
Did I end up playing Mazeppa in the end?
No, I didn’t… I couldn’t.
The world felt distorted. I couldn’t grasp the overwhelming emotions flooding in.
Intertwined behind my closed eyes were Fredrick’s smile, his fingers, the chill of the piano, and a broken world…
Not even my mother came to visit me.
Track Five - “—49”
Content Warning: Death, depictions of intense grief/mourning, and violence I found myself at a cemetery, not knowing where he was buried.
I brought flowers.
I held them in a cheap prosthetic hand, which I still wasn’t very used to using.
The flowers I had were white.
To match the color of the snow on his eyelashes the last time I saw him.
…Because I never found out his favorite color.
There was a stranger crying in front of Fredrick’s grave.
Who is that…?
I thought, absentmindedly.
“You played Liszt well… Could it be… are you Kuguri?”
A man wiped away his tears and asked me that upon seeing me.
He said he was a close friend of Fredrick’s.
A medical student that usually talked to him on the phone.
I had a sudden thought.
Was it you over the phone that had Fredrick smiling so softly in the cafeteria that day?
When he saw the flowers I brought, he said “Oh, how nice.”
“White was Fredrick’s second favorite color. Thank you.”
Why… are you thanking me?
I felt a sudden pang in my chest.
“So you got caught in that accident too…”
The man glanced at my prosthetics as he spoke.
He placed the flowers on the grave, frowning with a pained look.
I stood there like an idiot.
I didn’t know how to pray.
The gravestone was so cold, I couldn’t believe he was there.
“Playing the piano with those prosthetics must be difficult. I’m using a bionic one. If you want, I can get you in contact with a more advanced technician. Eventually, you could be able to play the piano just like before…”
“Oh… if only Fredrick was still alive.”
The man added to himself quietly.
“…I hate God. If only he hadn’t played the piano. He wouldn’t have died this awful way.”
一Did the hero Mazeppa ever feel like this?
Like a melody that started with intense anger.
And just like that, a storm raged within my heart.
Fury welled up in me.
I saw red.
“…Don’t look down on me.”
Before I knew it, I was muttering.
The man turned around, his eyes wide.
I felt like something within my body was going to explode.
“The eighteen years of my life… and his life… don’t you dare look down on them.”
I don’t know how firmly I spoke those words.
Whatever I’d been holding back inside me finally burst.
The piano keys chased, the point that was reached, the sounds that should have been heard.
Something precious that had been built and rebuilt, over and over again, was demolished and gone in seconds.
I wanted to listen more.
I wanted to play more.
We could’ve gone higher, towards sounds that were out of reach.
We should have made it.
If only God hadn’t gotten in the way.
There wasn’t a name for this feeling.
“…I’m sorry. I was thoughtless.”
The man was apologizing.
What did I say back?
I faded in and out of consciousness, in a nightmare deeper and darker than Mazeppa’s dream.
Resentment and frustration.
…Despair.
Some sort of feeling like that…
Consumed me.
Before I knew it, the sun had set and night had fallen.
My body was aching all over, but I didn’t care.
It was interesting that I could feel it everywhere but my arms.
I got surrounded by some strange guys while drinking at a bar, was dragged out into an alleyway, and had all my money stolen.
I was beaten, too. My right prosthetic arm was ripped off and tossed somewhere into the alleyway.
I probably looked like some puny little rich kid to them.
But what did it matter?
I laid there collapsed in the alley, too drained to move, and gazed up at the filthy night sky illuminated by neon lights.
“Hey! Just where do you think you are? I can’t have you sleeping in front of the place like this, sir.”
A server stepped out of the bar, stood in front of me, and helped me to my feet.
Then, they blinked as if they were thinking “Oya?”.
Through my bleary vision, I saw chestnut hair and blue eyes. It was Solomon.
“What are you doing here, Tadzio? Weren’t you in the hospital after some sort of accident?”
Solomon noticed my prosthetic hand lying on the ground and picked it up.
Then he chuckled and let out a knowing hum.
He casually refastened my prosthetic arm, as if it was no big deal.
When I saw his fingers, I thought of Fredrick.
But none of that even mattered anymore.
“…rce them.”
A hoarse voice croaked.
“What?” Solomon said, raising an eyebrow with a curious look.
“…My ears. Pierce them.”
I was the one who spoke those words.
Solomon was silent for a few moments, squinting.
“Sure thing. Follow me, Kuguri.”
He spoke my name, and smiled.
Liszt's Mazeppa Finale Note
Translation Notes
- 1.Tadzio is a 14 year old character from “Death in Venice”. He is described as a young, innocent, and beautiful boy. He is also likened to Greek/Mythos people. ↩
- 2.“Death in Venice” is a movie released in 1971 about a composer that becomes obsessed with a young boy, Tadzio. ↩
- 3.Musical term meaning stylistic freedom by slightly speeding up and then slowing down the tempo of the piece. ↩
- 4.Three parts of a musical staff are usually referred to as “above the staff”, “below the staff”, and the middle. ↩
- 5.Poem written by Victor Hugo (though a prior version was written by Lord Byron); Centered largely about Mazeppa’s search for freedom and perseverance with a pinch of having an affair with a Polish lady, which he’s punished for. ↩
- 6.Translation from music-speak: 6/8 is a time signature; “animato” is a musical term meaning to play in a bright, “animated” way; “allegro deciso” is a musical term meaning to play “decisively fast”; 2/4 is a time signature; “Più moderato” is a musical term meaning to play “more moderately”; D major is the key of the music; “Vivace” is a musical term meaning to play “lively/vividly and fast” ↩
- 7.A French phrase meaning “he falls at last then rises as king”. This is Liszt’s interpretation of the last line of a poem written by Victor Hugo, incorporated into the finale of Mazeppa (see below) It aligns with what Kuguri talks about in Ch3, how Liszt leaves notes in his pieces! ↩